On Patience

My friend Kate asked me, early on, if I would let her know what surprises I found in being a parent.

First surprise: I now know what patience is.

This really seems like it shouldn't be a surprise; you always hear about the stereotypical parent saying to the screaming child "You're trying my patience!"

Except, for me at least, that's not the situation I find my patience to be trying. It's not the loud situations. When Kai has a meltdown in the line at Petco, I don't find myself needing patience. He's screaming. My focus at that point is entirely on him. Diaper? Hungry? Tired? I stash my basket off to the side and head out to the car. I diaper him if needed, or usually, I sit in the car and nurse him. Sometimes he goes to sleep, sometimes he was just hungry. I put him back into the Ergo and we go back about our business. I've nursed him down in cafes and at the farmer's market too. Heck, I've even nursed him down to sleep in the Ergo while walking around the visitor center at a national park.

It's a stressor when he's upset, but dealing with him while he's upset does not require patience. No, patience is dealing with him when he's quiet.

It's the times when he's had a bad day, and I've finally got him to sleep on me. Because I've just nursed him,  I'm desperately thirsty. My water is in the other room. But even if it was here, I wouldn't drink it because I really need to pee. OMG. Need to pee.

Child, why is it the only way you could fall asleep was with my arm at this weird angle? It's starting to strain. The pillow is just out of reach on the other side of the couch. And my hand is falling asleep.

I'd try to do something to keep my mind off of it, but I left my headphones in the other room as well. At least now that we have 4 laptops in the house, there happened to be a computer in reach.

Oh, and because you were crying earlier, I missed my lunch. And now it's 2:00. I'm hungry. I'm hungry, and I'm thirsty, and I'm bored, and my arm hurts, and I really need to pee.

But I'm not moving a damned muscle because then you'll wake up.

That is patience.

On Swaddle Blankets

Let's talk swaddle blankets.

On my registry, I had a couple swaddle blankets. I kind of presumed a swaddle blanket is a swaddle blanket, so I just picked colors I liked and left it at that.

Boy was I wrong.

I ended up with one set that was a warm jersey knit, on the small side, and square. The other set was woven, slightly lighter and larger, and rectangular. Both were your typical swaddle blanket sets that are listed on the sample registries. And both were awful.

Here's the deal with the swaddle blankets:

1. You want a square blanket. Rectangles do not fold well around a baby.
2. You want a large blanket. You can always make it smaller by folding down the top corner farther. However, you're going to use this for a while, so you need it to be large.
3. You want something lightweight. Especially if you have a summer baby. Kai was boiling in the knit blankets.You can always layer more clothes, or use warmer clothes, if it's cold.
4. You want at least 4 blankets. One for the baby, one spare, one in the wash, and one in the laundry basket. You think I joke?I once had 3 blankets in the laundry basket.
   In ONE EVENING.

We ended up buying a 4-pack of Aden and Anais blankets. They are perfect. In addition to being large, square, and lightweight, they're slightly stretchy, which makes swaddling easier. They're also very breathable, so you can use them as a nursing cover or as a sunshade over the carseat.

You might be tempted to get some fancy blanket thing that has straps and velcro and arm pockets and whatnot. However, they're expensive, can't be used as a normal blanket, and you don't need them. Just swaddle the kid with a regular blanket and make it TIGHT.

Tighter.

Are you thinking that it's so tight, you're going to suffocate your baby? No? Then it's NOT TIGHT ENOUGH.

Ok, good. Now you have 2 hours until he Houdini's his way out of it anyway.

And on the subject of swaddling...you want to first buy this book and read it. We read it and thought "Oh, that's a nice set of tips for handling a cranky baby. Perhaps we will use those."

Then we watched the video. And we thought "OMG, this man is a baby whisperer!"

On Registries

Let's start simple: I hate baby registries.

The theory is that by registering for gifts, I will be ensured that people purchase gifts that I want and can use. The people buying the gifts (usually relatives) can easily pick out a gift and feel it will be used.

This model assumes a few things though:

1) It assumes that my relatives stay on the registry (HA!)
2) It assumes that a single store (or a couple stores) carries the items that I want.
3) It assumes that I even know what I want.

When my mom told me I needed to create a registry, I figured fine, no problem. I'll go find a couple of those baby item checklists, remove anything that doesn't seem applicable to me, and then add stuff to the registry in colors I want.

I sat down on one Saturday morning to knock this off my to-do list. First up: bottles.

6 hours later, I was still trying to muddle my way through the ten gazillion types of bottles. I think I threw something at Saul before putting him in charge of finding a stroller.

And therein lies the real problem with registries. I don't want to tell people what to buy me, and then receive it, and then write a thank you note for the thing that I asked for. This is a roundabout way for me to receive money from my relatives. Perhaps this would make some sense if I had no money, but honestly, I can afford to buy some bottles. What I could use is someone to tell me what bottles to buy. Are the Dr. Browns 6-part bottles worth the hassle? Do I need the Tommy Tippee shaped-like-a-boob bottles to prevent nipple confusion? Or can I get away with the Medela bottles that fit my pump?

Of course, having no registry would have its own problems. In addition to duplicates, my relatives would have to know what the latest in baby paraphernalia is. Since I'm the first in my generation to have a baby, none of them are aware of Snappis, or Aden and Anais blankets, or stroller/car-seat travel systems, or the Medela Freestyle.

Even more so, they would have to know me. They'd have to know that we're trying to be as environmentally friendly as we can. They'd have to know that we try to stay minimalist when it comes to "stuff". They'd have to know that we're cutting back on plastic and prefer wooden toys or books. And that any toys with sound will be paying a visit to a pair of wire cutters.

I suppose in an ideal world, they would know me well enough, and we'd all be in enough communication with each other, that this wouldn't be an issue. Sigh.

So, I had to make a registry. Several people went off registry. Some (those who knew me well) got me some great gifts that I didn't know I needed. More got me items that I either already had or didn't want, and I had to take them back. In a few cases, I couldn't take them back since there was no receipt and was stuck with a rectangular flannel swaddle blanket for my summer newborn. And at least one relative complained about the items on my registry. (Seriously. She called and asked my mother if she had approved it.)  

The thing is, I didn't want their money. I just wanted information. I asked a lot of friends with babies for information, but I didn't get much. I realize now that they were so sleep deprived at the time that they can't remember anything.

Therefore, as long as I'm feeding Kai at 4am, I might as well be helpful to my friends and cousins. I'm going to try to chronicle those things that I found useful, and those that I didn't, and those that weren't for me, but might be for you. My baby gift to you.